Caught In My Web 🕸️
Things I am currently reading/watching/contemplating #18
It has taken me months to scan through, absorb, then make peace with over 20 years of journals.
I’m finally finished.
I think every young girl goes to war with longing regardless of her circumstances. Longing for more life. More love. More connection. More peace. More time. More knowledge with how to mind the bends of life. Wanting to know everything immediately instead of allowing time to gently unfold the answers before you.
Achingly restless.
All the ailments of youth and if you liked to spartan kick acceptance away on the regular like I did, the possibility of all that seeping into adulthood is wildly high.
My battle lasted almost 15 years.
I wanted to wrap my arms around that young girl in those pages. I wanted to whisper in her ear that no place was ever going to feel like home again until she found a home within herself. I wanted to tell her that what was stolen from her as a child—a brother, a mother, a father, a family, the home of all homes—would kill most people, but it wasn’t going to kill her, no matter how much she wanted it to.
More would be snatched away and more would be given.
That she would live and love and finally find the internal peace she so desperately hunted for amongst the ruins and rubble of her new life.
Because I wasn’t able to tell her then, I tell her now.
Like the tightening of a bow, that part of my life feels complete and closed.
I won’t revisit those journals for another 20 years.
Everything that has happened to us, that will ever happen to us, has already happened to someone else.
Our circumstances are not unique.
I find great comfort in this.
What is exceptional is how we transform those experiences as they move through our own personal filter.
The same sentiment can be said many different ways but only one line with a particular order of words will make you feel as if a light has turned on inside of you. This is what I adore about living. Finding and communing with those souls that speak your particular language, that are able to reach in and jolt you awake with more life and love than you had on your own.
I love the deep feelers, the endlessly curious, the ones who have snatched up wonder and made it a part of their every day.
This life will stultify us if we allow it and I’ve always gravitated towards the ones that sprinkle magic on the seemingly ordinary.
The magicians.
Those are my people.
Leering at June’s impending arrival, I’m getting ready to become a bear in reverse hibernation. Migraines with aura triggered by sunshine and the heat give me the mean reds in the hotter months.
In short, I am dreading summer.
I belong in Scotland! *shakes fist at the sky*
Soaking up every cool air moment outside before I take my annual repose, I’m grieving the departure of spring.
But!
Hibernating inside gives me more time for writing and that is always a good time.
With all of the plans/goals I have set for myself, I’m hoping my reverse SAD isn’t too bad this year.
Who else is dreading summer?!
Here is this week’s Caught In My Web 🕸️
🕸️ Under The Bridge on Hulu is gripping! Based on a true story, it is set in Canada, 1997 and recounts the disappearance and death of fourteen-year-old Reena Virk.
🕸️ I finished Cleopatra and Frankenstein by Coco Mellors. I loved the banter between Cleo and Frank when they first meet in the beginning chapters. I couldn't put it down and finished in a few days. There were chapters that genuinely hurt my insides and I found myself saying, “Noooooo, don’t do it!”. When I talk to a book as I’m reading it’s the best compliment. It’s sad, it’s fun, it’s messy, it’s intriguing! Just like life itself.
🕸️ Coco’s next book, Blue Sisters sounds even more intriguing and I’ve already ordered a signed copy from a Scottish independent bookseller. Yes, the shipping was just as much as the book itself but it also means I get it three months earlier than the release date in the states. I also like the European/UK cover much more than the American version so I was happy to pay extra.
🕸️ At last! Yellowstone’s final season is in production.
🕸️ Signs of Alzheimer’s were everywhere. Then his brain improved. Wow!
🕸️ Reading this made me more conscious of my posture. The Truth Behind The Slouching Epidemic. Here is your reminder to engage your core and push your shoulders back!!!
🕸️ Living the Artist's Way: An Intuitive Path to Greater Creativity by Julia Cameron. I’ve been keeping this book at my writing desk and read one chapter a week then do the exercises after I’ve finished writing in my journal. It focuses on writing for guidance and has all of the magical spirituality I love about Julia. Her guides also call her “Little One” which reminds me that we are all connected in this wild ride of life. How wonderful!
🕸️ Still the best concealer in the game! It is on the expensive side but you don’t need much and the tube lasts a very long time. I recently replenished and probably won’t have to buy it for another year.
What Has Been Caught In Your Web 🕸️This Week?
🕷️ Thank you for reading JENOVIA’S WEB. Restack on Notes, leave a comment, or hit the heart button if you enjoyed this post. I love hearing from you! 🕸️
Love always,
Jenovia
I want to reach through the ether and hold little you and you now. Biggest squeeze ever!!!
I’m in awe of your brilliance and loving power. It’s such a privilege to be a witness to your experience. 🕸️💕🕸️
Ps—Under the bridge has broken my heart again and again. A painful but necessary watch. The ache and cruelty of girls will always gut me.
And I can no longer wear sweatshirts outside during the day and that’s the worst part of summer for me.
Oh, the journals. The years of writing through the ache. The way I wanted to KNOW EVERYTHING and be edgy and sophisticated and so I threw away my softness and my innocence because they were childish. Now, I see those were the gifts. But I also accept that the hardening and the return to softness IS the journey. This is why I love little girls and very old women. They embody both innocence and wisdom. I'm realizing, on my quest back to softness--three year-old-me knew way more than I gave her credit for. I'll find my way back to her by the time I'm eighty. You inspire me so, Jenovia.