Caught In My Web 🕸️
Things I am currently reading/watching/contemplating #21
For those new here who don’t know my familial circumstances, please see my About page on the Substack website.
“You make your fortune in New York,” the soothsayer declared as she stared straight into my eyes.
“Ha! Nah, no way,” I replied. It was incredulous that she could even say such a thing.
I swore I was never going back to that city. It was too hard, too fast, and after a long beginning of too hard, too fast, I needed soft and easy.
“That’s just what I see.”
I smirked, then chuckled.
What kind of cliché Kelly did she take me for?
Me, New York? The dream that almost everyone has at some point in life will be my reality?
Hilarious.
She and I finished soon after, and I stayed in the room to listen to her other wild declarations about my friends.
We left there with a good time, as twenty-somethings often do when they visit the place with the glowing purple Psychic sign in the front window—elated by the comfort and confidence of having our whole lives before us.
We had the world in the palm of our hand, and we were determined to have our way with it regardless of what some charlatan had to say.
*
September 5th, 1994.
A date that meant nothing before but would become the axis to everything after.
It is the first anniversary of my parent’s death and the first anniversary of my almost death.
Six months before, in March, the first anniversary of my brother’s death.
My own Día de Muertos.
I am 11 years old.
It took one whole year for the initial shock of what happened to subside from my body and mind. My brother, 15, and sister, 17, are with me.
My oldest sister—23 years old and a mother of a 3-year-old—is our guardian. None of us siblings know what we are doing, but we try hard to remain a family.
My eyes stare off into the faraway nothing and I wonder what my life will look like as an orphan. How will it feel when the death anniversary milestone crosses 10, 20, 30 years?
I try to envision my life; all I can see before me is a sea of black.
*
September 5th, 2024.
It is the 31st anniversary of my parents’ death and the 31st anniversary of my almost death.
Six months before, in March, the 31st anniversary of my brother’s death.
My own Día de Muertos.
I am 41 years old.
I’m still in a sea of black, but only by way of clothing. I’m eating crow in NYC, and I have indeed made my fortune.
Not with zeros in my bank account.
I’ve never measured treasure in green.
I’m rich in love.
I’m rich with my own gorgeous little family, the coziest of homes in an adorable neighborhood by the sea, and the best friends anyone could hope to have. I’m rich with a job I love, which allows ample time to work on other projects that fill me with purpose and accomplishment. I never dread the start of the work week, which feels incredible after years of feeling that way.
As I step back and look at it all together…I’m in awe.
I would go on to live in many cities, countries, and continents. Attempting to find anywhere that would snuff out the eternal restlessness birthed by death. Some places I would stay for years, some for months, but NYC is the only place I would return to unfurl my tightly bound roots into the fertile soil that has become my life in Rockaway.
Perhaps that soothsayer was no charlatan after all.
There is so much life brimming from all sides right now.
A complete, heavy life but not the kind that hurts.
The kind that heals.
It is precisely what I’ve always wanted, yet I tense up at its enormity. Glugging down so much life after so much death leaves me disoriented, which causes the occasional stutter step, and I find myself face-planting into overwhelm.
I am so-pinch me I must be dreaming-happy, and yet, as each September 5th passes, from the very first to this past Thursday, it still persists as the most disastrous disappointment of my life.
Each year, I curse my father: you raggedy piece of shit.
Each year, I tell him through tears: how could you?
Though I have forgiven him and accepted my life’s circumstances long ago, my disdain will forever remain.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean I’m not disgusted. It just means I’m not disgusted all the time.
Acceptance doesn’t mean I’m skipping and twirling at the fact that he orphaned me and my siblings. It just means the occasional dreams where I’ve dreamt that I murdered him instead have stopped completely.
And as this week passes, as my heart grows so very tired of carrying the various weights of my extraordinary life—the horrors, the dreams come true, and the wildly uncanny—I hear my mother’s silvery bell voice rise up from within me.
“That’s my girl.”
And it is enough to carry me through to the other side.
Here is this week’s Caught In My Web 🕸️
🕸️ INSIDE THE DANGEROUS, SECRETIVE WORLD OF EXTREME FISHING. Wetsuiting is a no for me.
🕸️ Why So Many People Are Going “No Contact” With Their Parents
🕸️ Inside Nicole Kidman’s Erotic Drama Babygirl: “What Have I Just Done? *mouth drops* Very much looking forward to this film.
🕸️ We watched Oddity and it did not disappoint. Some great jump scares in this one! After the brutal murder of her twin sister, Darcy goes after those responsible by using haunted items as her tools for revenge.
🕸️ Dark Winds is on Netflix now! Based on the "Leaphorn & Chee" novel series by Tony Hillerman and set in the 1970s, "Dark Winds" follows the FBI investigation of a bank robbery in Gallup, N.M., and the Navajo Tribal inquiry into the local murder of two Native residents. Zahn McClarnon is so great in this (he’s great in everything).
🕸️ The Substance starring Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley looks strange and unsettling. My kind of movie. Also, I love Dennis Quaid. Elisabeth Sparkle, renowned for an aerobics show, faces a devastating blow on her 50th birthday as her boss fires her. Amid her distress, a laboratory offers her a substance which promises to transform her into an enhanced version of herself.
🕸️ Demi Moore’s Gory Glory. I’ve always loved Demi Moore and I love her even more now.
🕸️ I finished The God Of The Woods by Liz Moore and it was spectacular! I was done in three days. As an ardent lover of the classics, I’ve been turning my attention towards more contemporary lit to broaden my reading life and it’s been such a good time.
🕸️ I also finished Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors which was released in the states this week. I will read anything and everything by Coco. There is laughter, drama, bad decisions, and a lot of love in Blue Sisters. Much like Cleopatra & Frankenstein but with sisters instead of lovers.
🕸️ Added Teddy by Emily Dunlay to my TBR. I’m a sucker for a moody cover. This isn’t my usual type of read but this came highly recommended by a few people. One critic described it as if Mad Men had a baby with The White Lotus. I’m intrigued!
🕸️ I’ve kept it a light reading month because I’m about to go HAM on thrillers and horror for espooky season. Currently reading Vampires of El Norte by Isabel Cañas and it is giving me everything my dark heart craves. Vampires, vaqueros, curanderas, and 1840’s Mexico. I’m home.
What Has Been Caught In Your Web 🕸️This Week?
🕷️ Thank you for reading JENOVIA’S WEB. Restack on Notes, leave a comment, or hit the heart button if you enjoyed this post. I love hearing from you! 🕸️
Love always,
Jenovia
I know I say this every week, but I’m in awe of you. Truly. Your grace, your courage, your kindness defies reality…or at least circumstances. My heart breaks thinking of these anniversaries and the pain you’ve endured. And it’s strange to think about what I wrote this week in contrast to your reality. I just want to squeeze you so tight! And I am, right now through these digital waves…and I see us — we’re sitting on the beach with the wind blowing through our hair and Delilah’s between. And I’m astounded to be in your presence 🥹❤️
"Acceptance doesn’t mean I’m skipping and twirling at the fact that he orphaned me and my siblings. It just means the occasional dreams where I’ve dreamt that I murdered him instead have stopped completely. " I just want to sink into the beauty of your words. thank you for sharing your life with us. i truly dont know how you kept going (we just do, right)🖤
and for the good spooky sounding recs, DARK WINDS!! that looks amazing.